Below are some questions to ask yourself that will help you decide if you should try to save your marriage. The questions are in the form of statements – each one is a reason to try to save your marriage – and they are are part of a two-part “quiz”. The other part is, Should I Get a Divorce? – Reasons to Divorce and it is recommended you read both.
Together, they are designed to help you make a realistic assessment of the state of your marriage as the basis for making the right decision for the future.
As you can read in How to Know if You Should Divorce 101, the question of whether or not a marriage can be saved is often complicated by other concerns, making it difficult to reach any decision about divorce, let alone the right one.
So, try to put aside other concerns and negative feelings you may have about your husband or wife and answer yes or no to each statement as honestly as you can. Many couples have survived their problems but the first step is to decide if this is possible.
Should You Try to Save Your Marriage? – the answer is “yes” if :
You still have strong feelings for your spouse.
Your marriage has generally been happy and fulfilling. In sum total, you have had more happy days than otherwise.
Difficulties in your marriage have been caused by external factors. For example, the main causes of conflict and unhappiness have been related to events, circumstances and other people rather than fundamental incompatibility between you and your spouse. These may include the loss of a job, unforeseen or unmanageable financial issues, changes in family circumstances such as a new child or responsibilities for an elderly relative, illness, unwelcome interference by in-laws, and so on.
Difficulties in your marriage are relatively recent, and can be traced to a specific event and/or state of mind. For example, one or both of you may have been experiencing a great deal of stress caused (or worsened) by an event that brought things unexpectedly to crisis point. When this happens, there is a tendency for many built-up frustrations to emerge “out of the blue”, leaving the other spouse understandably confused, hurt and resentful.
One of you has done something to cause difficulties in your marriage that can be solved or forgiven. Sometimes it is difficult to imagine that you can forgive or see your way to a solution but if it is possible that you can, then difficulties do not necessarily need to end in divorce.
You or your spouse has cheated – once. Infidelity is a common cause of divorce but perhaps not so common as you might imagine. Many couples have not only managed to survive the pain and bitterness of infidelity, but found that their marriage has become stronger than before.
This happens when a spouse has made a genuine mistake. The shock of nearly losing everything they hold most dear remains with them together with an enormous sense of love, appreciation and respect for a spouse who, against all odds, gave them a second chance. However, there can often be a great deal of pressure from friends and family not to give that chance. If your spouse has cheated, it is essential to give yourself time and to remain focused on your marriage and what feels right to you.
(Note: The above does not apply if your spouse has cheated for the second (or more) time – skip straight to Good Reasons to Divorce.)
Your spouse has indicated that they are concerned and would like to take action to save your marriage. While it is possible to take steps to try to save a marriage alone, it is of course easier when you are both trying.